Monday, December 1, 2014

Belated Thanks


I spent this Thanksgiving in the car with my siblings and being only slightly upset that Taco Bell was closed on a holiday. Eighteen total hours of singing and sleeping and wiggling and fighting and trying to ignore one another only to make up a few minutes later and laughing and laughing and laughing. We drove on empty roads, through sleepy, snowy towns on a day when everyone else was home. 

It is difficult for me to connect holidays to their actual days. I never once felt odd that I wasn't home or at a relative's house last Thursday. We did eventually make it to my grandfather's, but during the trip, at gas stations and rest stops, I never felt out of place. I ate nachos for lunch on Thanksgiving. I don't feel weird about that.

But just so the universe knows here is an incredibly abbreviated list of things that I'm pumped are in my life.

My sister -- hands down the best person ever. She gets up early to start the drive so I can sleep the first few hours of the trip, checks on me when I start making weird noises because she knows it means I have something to show her but I just can't find the words, and puts up with all my irrational and sometimes hypocritical opinions.

My brother -- he is the coolest. Take someone you think is cool and then triple that. That is my brother. Not only does he listen to the best rap music, but he has a taste in clothing that borders on avant-garde. He drives a grand marquis because he doesn't give a shit and he lets me take sips of his soda. And even though he doesn't let me try on his sweet new watch without heavy coercion I still like him the most.

Family and friends -- I'm leaving this one general because I could get lost talking about all the amazing people in my life.

The boy -- he's new. Very new, but very very good. A challenge and a reprieve all in one breath. I don't think I've ever laughed more with anyone else.

Spiders -- everyone hates these guys, but I legitimately love them and all the cool shit they do. So yes, I'm super thankful for spiders.

- -- - -- - -- -
* A trail on my grandfathers's farm taken with my phone cause I forgot my camera in the car. I'm good at this stuff.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Fall Back

It's dark and rainy.
I may be sick. 
The wind has turned the rain into wet lashes that hit your face and then travel the length of your neck spreading the chill like a disease. 
I may never leave the house again. 
That will be good for me. 
I have projects and plans that require focus. 

Normally, I hate the end of daylight savings. 
I start longing for those meandering 10pm sunsets before I've even had the chance to appreciate the fact that I got an extra hour of sleep. 
In my desire to avoid ever dropping below a median temperature of 75 degrees I forego leaving the house as much as possible. I will spend days in a bath full of warm water if I have to. 
I don't fuck around. 
But not this winter. This winter I will create and learn and drink more tea than one body would ever need. This fall back is going to move me forward. 

- -- - -- - -- -
* Unknown

Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween.


Live it up with the spirits tonight. 

- -- - -- - -- -
*A mystery as usual

Monday, October 20, 2014

Be Kind. Be Better.


I give my life a lot of restrictions. 
I think I work better within them.
Some of them stick, some don't. Some I like to have there just so I can break them occasionally and feel like a rebel. That's right Coke! I'll drink you occasionally. But the one that is always there in the back of my mind whenever I do anything is to be kind and to be better. 
It's the gauge to which I hold all my words and actions. Is this kind? Will this better me or the person I'm speaking to in any way? If not, then I try not to bother with it. 

It is the biggest struggle. 
I grew up being taught to speak my mind and that all my thoughts were worthwhile.
What nonsense. 
It's a tough habit to break and sometimes I swing all the way to the other side and put other's happiness in front of my own. And strangely enough it is much more difficult for me to do with the people closest to me, the people I care about the most. I'll find myself upset with my sister before I've even had a chance to think about being kind or being better.

Hopefully it becomes easier. 

- -- - -- - -- -
* Unknown, as per usual

Monday, October 6, 2014

Hi There Monday

Bad Suns -- Cardiac Arrest

I'm currently obsessed with this. 
It's the only thing I listen to.

I have a problem.

Just kidding, go listen to it 20 times in a row like I do.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Decisions, decisions.


I had the best conversation. 
In a bar. With a relative stranger.
Which I imagine is how most of the best things happen. 
Or at least start. 

There's a regular at the bar where I, occasionally, work.
He's there every Friday night, having conversations. 
He doesn't have an agenda as far as I can tell, just to share stories.
On this particular night I ended up as his focus. 
We discussed a lot of things: race and gender and life and decisions. 

The etymology of the word decide comes from the latin de -- off and caedere -- to cut or kill.
In essence it means to to kill off an option. 
It has the same suffix as homocide and suicide. Violent, traumatic acts. Things best avoided. 
We talked about how our generation, or maybe just my, he's a bit older than I am, seems so averse to making decisions. My friends avoid labels for relationships and job titles. They hesitate to define thoughts and opinions for fear of being perceived as immutable. We praise those who refuse to commit to any one person, hailing their unlimited options as freedoms and reveling in the shear number of choices available to them.

But are all those choices really all that great? 
Certainly, choices are wonderful and having the ability to pick precisely what we want is great as well. Because, after all, having all those choices allows us to ultimately become exactly who we are meant to be. How can we know we want to be yogis or engineers or polyamorous or monogamous without having those available for exploration? And yet the phrase "I don't know what I want." has become our motto.

I don't think the options are to blame. 
We just need to be more comfortable killing them off. 
It's time to start saying goodbye. 

- -- - -- - -- -

*Photo by me

Monday, August 25, 2014

The Ties That Bind Us


I mentioned in my last post my obsession with relationships.
I'm deeply fascinated by them.
By my own.
By other's.
People I have never met.
People with whom I hold no stake in.
Who was the past and present and possibly future?

I want to know what is fought about.
And what is celebrated.
How are those things done?
What succeeds and what fails.
Where are those breaking points?
How do people make it back? 

I read a great post months ago, that was probably written years ago, about the first year of a marriage. It was about the end right as it was all supposedly beginning. It was all fights and anguish and the word divorce. But that didn't happen. Years later, as she sat down to write that post, they were still together. It was amazing, that persistence. I have so many questions. 

I wish I could find it.
I'd like to read it again. 

- -- - -- - -- -
* Unknown as always around here.