Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Decisions, decisions.

*

I had the best conversation. 
In a bar. With a relative stranger.
Which I imagine is how most of the best things happen. 
Or at least start. 

There's a regular at the bar where I, occasionally, work.
He's there every Friday night, having conversations. 
He doesn't have an agenda as far as I can tell, just to share stories.
On this particular night I ended up as his focus. 
We discussed a lot of things: race and gender and life and decisions. 
Decisions. 

The etymology of the word decide comes from the latin de -- off and caedere -- to cut or kill.
In essence it means to to kill off an option. 
It has the same suffix as homocide and suicide. Violent, traumatic acts. Things best avoided. 
We talked about how our generation, or maybe just my, he's a bit older than I am, seems so averse to making decisions. My friends avoid labels for relationships and job titles. They hesitate to define thoughts and opinions for fear of being perceived as immutable. We praise those who refuse to commit to any one person, hailing their unlimited options as freedoms and reveling in the shear number of choices available to them.

But are all those choices really all that great? 
Certainly, choices are wonderful and having the ability to pick precisely what we want is great as well. Because, after all, having all those choices allows us to ultimately become exactly who we are meant to be. How can we know we want to be yogis or engineers or polyamorous or monogamous without having those available for exploration? And yet the phrase "I don't know what I want." has become our motto.

I don't think the options are to blame. 
We just need to be more comfortable killing them off. 
It's time to start saying goodbye. 

- -- - -- - -- -

*Photo by me


Monday, August 25, 2014

The Ties That Bind Us

*


I mentioned in my last post my obsession with relationships.
I'm deeply fascinated by them.
By my own.
By other's.
People I have never met.
People with whom I hold no stake in.
Who was the past and present and possibly future?

I want to know what is fought about.
And what is celebrated.
How are those things done?
What succeeds and what fails.
Where are those breaking points?
How do people make it back? 

I read a great post months ago, that was probably written years ago, about the first year of a marriage. It was about the end right as it was all supposedly beginning. It was all fights and anguish and the word divorce. But that didn't happen. Years later, as she sat down to write that post, they were still together. It was amazing, that persistence. I have so many questions. 

I wish I could find it.
I'd like to read it again. 

- -- - -- - -- -
* Unknown as always around here.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Full Disclosure

*

I said it was coming so here it is.
And let's use less metaphor in this post.

I'm a far more straight-forward human in person than I am here.
Not nearly as existential.
Far more sarcastic.
I say shit like cray and listen to Drake. 
Make midnight grocery trips only to purchase Chips Ahoy cookies. 
Chips Ahoy...what a ridiculous name. 
I'm way too sensitive and even more analytical. 
I spend more time talking about relationships than nearly anything else. 
But I don't want them to dominate my life.

Yea. 
That's me. 
I can't find a middle ground.
Or a full-time job.

- -- - -- - -- -
* Oh so dramatic drawing by yours truly. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Where does all of this occur?

*



Boundaries are definitions.
Those things that make you a being separate from the rest of the world.
Outlines that create.
Delineations that shape.
The defined space of a person.
Eventually.
Those edges will start to blur and fade.
The outside leaks in.
Opinions and questions and words and space.
All foreign. For a time. 
Until there's no way to differentiate. 
And the other has become you. 

So really, who the fuck am I any more?

- -- - -- - -- -
* A Woman in Science

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Summer Haze

*

It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. 
Where you stumble, there lies your treasure. 
--Joseph Campbell

I'm learning incredible things down here.


- -- - -- - -- -

I've been very vague about these hardships of mine.
I'm not sure if it's simply because I don't know how to talk about them or because I don't want to talk about them. 
Giving away all my burdens. 
It seems selfish. 
Imparting all that weight on another person. 
So I try to avoid it.
But then I become nebulous and hazy.
An undefined space.

So I'll begin delineating. 
And providing some clarity. 
I need to figure out how to do that first.
But it will be soon.

- -- - -- - -- -

* photo by me

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Delusions

*

"I get it now; I didn’t get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible…
and enjoying everything in between."  — Mia Farrow

I am under the impression that I deserve things. 
Yes, that vague.
Things. 
Because I don't have the courage to tell it what I want.

I want success to just show up at my door and wish to come in. 
I expect happiness and ease, but that's not what this is all about.
None of that is realistic.
I'm delusional. 

That is what life is teaching me right now.
Don't want; do.
Don't expect; work. 

I'm stubborn, but I'm listening. 

- -- - -- - 

Happy belated fourth. 
I spent it with friends, eating local burgers, sailing, and napping. 
I hope yours was just as wonderful.

- -- - -- - -- - 

* From this lovely blog



Monday, June 30, 2014

The Key

*


"When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow."
-Shauna Neiquist

The key. 

I may be able to celebrate soon. 
Wish me luck.

- -- - -- -

In other news I'm learning. 
Mostly about myself. 
It's a constant, violent process. 
I shift, like sand through fingers.
Swing. Pause. Hover.
For a second. 
And then back the other way. 

It's thrilling and nauseating. 

- -- - -- - 

*As always. I have no idea, but if you're out there tell me.